


Leopard on my shoulder

by Tuii



Category: Skam Norway
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Dark, Depression, Evak AU, Even has a sister, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Getting Arrested, Hospitalization, Hypomania, Intervention, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Movie Reference, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Multiple, Pining, Rimming, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Sex, Slow Burn, even has a dog, flark, sex without condom, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:02:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14210715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: He sees the boy again. The boy. The boy he has been seeing around for months now. The boy that he has been dreaming of and drawing in his sketchbook page after page, different kind of facial expressions. Isak, the boy is called, he knows that. He likes how the name rolls on his tongue, how it feels in his mouth. But after all the months of pining, it is all he has. The feeling of his name in his mouth.---This is going to be an angsty and a somewhat dark ride. It is an AU and there will be things mentioned that happened in the series but there will be a lot stuff that comes from a dark place inside me, the writer. Some of the things happening here are things that have happened to me, this is my way of trying to get some sense into things from my past. I promise you that this will be endgame EVAK but it might take some time to get there. And the ride won't be an easy one.But I try to tag this as well as possible and if you think that some tags need to be added, please say so and I'll add them. Sometimes it's hard to see myself what tags I need to add. I hope you like this ride. Kudos and comments mean the world to me!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laika_the_wife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/gifts).



He sees the boy again. The boy. The boy he has been seeing around for months now. The boy that he has been dreaming of and drawing in his sketchbook page after page, different kind of facial expressions. Isak, the boy is called, he knows that. He likes how the name rolls on his tongue, how it feels in his mouth. But after all the months of pining, it is all he has. The feeling of his name in his mouth. It’s not that he hasn’t been around the block and had his share of experience. With men and women, boys and girls. He doesn’t care about the gender, he cares about what is inside the gender box. He likes pretty and funny people. Just like the boy is. Like Isak is. But there is something about Isak that scares him, keeps him far away from Isak. He is usually everything but shy but now he can’t get himself get close to Isak. So he just keeps looking from afar. Drawing and dreaming. That feels safe, and safe is something he feels comfortable with now. Something he needs since his life is sometimes so far from safe and steady. Because bipolar disorder makes his life sometimes a bit too unsafe and unsteady. It has ups and downs and everything in between. 

Being bipolar is something he hates. He hates the spiraling, the cycles, people asking weird questions, taking meds. Hates that it defines him. That people can’t see past the diagnose and see only a crazy person. And yes, he is the first to admit that he is that, but he is also so much more. He is an artist, a friend, a son, a student, a man, to begin with. He may not be perfect but he still is more than his illness. The state of his imperfection depends on who do you ask. If you ask his mom, he is a failure in too many ways, if you ask his past lovers or hookups, he is good in bed but sucks at relationships and cannot be trusted. They would say he will cheat on you, that he will forget to take his meds and be absolutely impossible while having an episode, that he just likes to have fun too much. He has had his share of men and women which is something he is not proud of, but at the same time he has no shame. But there is something different about the boy. About Isak. Even has never been one to be shy, if he has wanted someone in his bed, he has just gone and made sure he gets what he wants. But not this time. And he is not sure why. He has been eyeing the boy long enough to know that he enjoys hook ups and is not shy about it either but still, something is holding him back. The feeling is close to being scared and that’s something he doesn’t understand. Why would he be scared of Isak? The worst he can do is say no. He had been turned down before and he has always managed to live with it. So why would this time be any different? 

He sees the boy walking across the yard. He looks at the boy’s long legs and curls that are almost damned by the snapback he wears but not quite. Isak is so beautiful. Could that be why Even is so scared? But he knows that he is not a bad looking guy himself. He is tall, slender and has good hair. He knows how to smile that smile that makes the other one feel special. He knows he is good in bed. And yet here he is, drooling over a guy and being too scared to talk to him. He has kept the boy a secret from his friends, although he thinks they know that he is looking at him when he thinks they don’t notice. But the guys are nice enough to not say anything, they leave him drool in peace. Could it be that he thinks he is not good enough for Isak? Could it be that he finally has learned that he is not good enough as a boyfriend for anyone, that he always just messes things up? Maybe it’s that. He sighs and opens a new page from his sketchbook and without even thinking about it starts drawing Isak’s curls. If you would look through the book, you would see that those curls are not appearing the first time on the pages of the book. There is just something magical about them. He knows them so well from afar already but that’s it. He doesn’t know how Isak’s skin feels, is it warm or not, is it ticklish or not, how Isak would respond if he was to touch him. Would he squirm under his touch, push his hands away or ask for more. He doesn’t know if Isak is as beautiful under his skinny jeans and that hoodie as he is in them. He may never know. 

There is something inside him that is wanting to come out. Something that he doesn’t want to let out but it’s not going to ask for a permission. He can try to fight it but he also knows that it’s a battle he will lose. It’s the battle he loses every time. The battle of the episode manifesting in him. It can be either manic or depressive one, highs or lows, partying and good vibes or death wishes and feeling you’re nothing. He knows it’s coming but he doesn’t want to let it come. But the spiral doesn’t ask him what he thinks about it, it just takes control and runs around in his life until it has done enough damage and then it lets go of him. Leaving him to deal with the results. Leaving him looking into his mom’s eyes and seeing the disappointment in them, like they would say “look what you did again, can’t you just even try to behave for once” when the only thing he would need is a hug from her and hear her saying that everything will be okay, that he is not alone. But he is alone, he has always been alone with his illness. It makes him impossible to love, he has learned that the hard way. And from his family’s eyes. They don’t need to say it anymore, he sees it everytime he is hospitalized and they come to collect their failure of a son because the hospital doesn’t let him go without a supervisor. He could maybe ask his friends, Mikael would do it but he can’t. He needs to have someone who doesn’t look at him like that, someone who loves him. He is not going to talk to the boy. He will not ruin Isak’s life by pushing himself into it. 

So he packs his sketchbook into his backpack and goes home. Home where Princess Vivian is waiting. The only one who loves him as he is. The only one he can trust to be always by his side, no matter how out control he is during his episodes, the only one who always looks at him with eyes filled with love. Having him in his life is the one thing that keeps him going, Princess Vivian is the one who listens to him talking about the boy and doesn’t get tired of his pining, doesn’t tell him to man up and just go talk to him or stop whining and pining. But he can feel that the fear of losing him is coming to the surface again. That someone will see how poorly he takes care of Princess Vivian and they will come and take him too away from him. Leave him with just himself, with his own demons. Because he doesn’t deserve even the love of a dog, he is not worthy of Princess Vivian. But loving Princess Vivian is the best thing in his life, it almost makes himself feel like a human. It keeps him grounded in a way nothing else has done before. 

This is what he tells to Princess Vivian as he crawls into bed next to him. And like every night, he holds Princess Vivian’s paw and tells him how he got his name, that story always brings a smile on his face. When he remembers the joy on his sister’s face when he told her he is getting a dachshund puppy and she would have the honour to name the puppy, and before he could say that the puppy is a boy, she had already screamed that it would have to be Princess. The memory does what it does everytime and he notices he is smiling a little as he thinks how he said “okay, if his name needs to be Princess, it should be Princess Vivian”. He remembers the huge smile on his sister’s face, the joy she had after naming the puppy. Princess Vivian turns his head and looks at him with his beautiful eyes and he drifts to sleep still holding his paw.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that this isn't triggering for anyone. But this is coming still from inside me, my darkest places and it's kinda hard to write. But I feel this is important so I'm going to keep writing. Let me know what you think.

His morning started like every other morning. A cup of coffee, meds and a walk with Princess Vivian. Who is not into mornings but follows him anyway out the door, slowly but steadily. He likes mornings because they are quiet and peaceful, not filled with noise and people. They walk slowly in the park like they do every morning, him enjoying the morning air and Princess Vivian enjoying the slow pace and sniffing around the grass. This morning feels even slower than usually and it makes him worried. He knows he needs to talk about this to his doctor, about the feeling that everything is slowing down, about the feeling that everything is getting darker and blacker. That things are losing their meaning, again. He has been down this road so many times before, he knows what is coming but he doesn’t want to give in to it. He hates depressive episodes maybe even more than the manic ones, it takes always so much longer to get through them. And they make him question having Princess Vivian. He is always so worried that someone will realise how bad he is for that little doxie and they’ll come and take him away from him. Just like his mom said from the beginning when Even told about his plans of getting a dog. That he wasn’t fit to take care of another living thing because he wasn’t able to even look after himself. That he would just fuck up the dog as he had done with himself. But having Princess Vivian in his life is the best thing he has, a loyal companion who doesn’t judge him. 

He was an easy and happy child until his late teens. That was when his bipolar started raising its ugly head and he started showing first signs of episodes. When he started drinking too much on the weekends and sleeping around although he was with Sonja. They had broken up so many times that both of them probably lost count. When he had stopped caring about the rules his mom tried to establish with him. He went as he wanted, when and where he wanted. The highs always ended up in a down, something that is now easy to see as a depressive episode but what he didn’t know then. Or didn’t even want to know, he just kept going and spiraling, up and down time after time. He had been a good student but the episodes had ruined that as well. It had taken him years to get back into studying and even now his pace is a lot slower than others. He still can see the look in his mothers eyes, the shame and disappointment that his only son is crazy and a loser. Like he would have chosen this himself. It hurts still, after all these years. Of course his mom had been there for him, picking him up from the hospital, making sure he takes his meds and sees his therapist but it was not done out of love, it was done out of obligation. He knows and sees how his mother has turned all her hope towards his sister, how relieved she has been that she is normal. She doesn’t like that they are in good terms and like to hang out. It hurts him a lot but there is nothing he can do about that. He has done everything he could do, he has tried so hard to be the son his mother wanted but he is just a disappointment. Princess Vivian seems to notice that he is sailing into very deep waters and stops and pokes his leg, asking for attention, which he happily gives him. 

They are not in this park by accident. It just happens that the boy, Isak, runs here around this time every morning. Not that Even has been stalking or anything, just noticed. Or that’s what he tells himself. That he is just observant, not focused on the boy. Because being focused on something like this can be bad. It can be the illness taking over him, him being monomanic about something. He knows it, he’s been down that road before and he is a bit worried. But here they are again, walking slowly and then sitting on the bench. Princess Vivian is happy for the stop at first, but waiting is not one of his favourite pastimes and he becomes restless and wants to continue their walk already. But Even is not ready yet, he needs to see the boy first. It’s like he needs his daily fix before they can continue. Again the idea of need and being fixated on something comes to his mind and he fights hard to push it away. This is not that, this needs to be something else, this cannot be about his illness. And as he sees the boy, he also sees that Princess Vivian is running towards the boy and he realises that he is holding just the leash, the dog is not attached to it anymore. The dam dog chewed the leash! And then things are like in a slow motion scene. The boy is running towards him, listening to his music and not seeing the little dog that is going to hit his legs any second now. And just like that Isak tumbles over Princess Vivian who makes ridiculous sounds. And he just sits there on the bench, looking at them and not being able to move. Princess Vivian usually doesn’t care about other people but now there he is kissing Isak who has fallen and is giggling because of the dog harassing him. The sound wakes Even up from his dream and he gets up from the bench and goes to the boy, bright red from shame that this is how he is going to talk to him for the first time. 

“I’m so so sorry! Princess Vivian, stop that!” He says and tries to look natural, not like the panicking mess that he actually is.   
“Is this your dog?” Isak asks while petting Princess Vivian who seems to adore and love the boy already.   
“Yes, he is Princess Vivian”  
“He? Isn’t princess a girls name?” Isak says, smiling, and oh my, that smile makes Even’s knees give in a little.   
“Yes it is, my little sister named him princess and I added the Vivian”.  
“Like in Pretty Woman?”   
“YES! No one ever gets that reference!” He is stunned.   
“I better get back to my run or I’ll miss my class. He surely is an adorable little princess!” Isak says as he gets up and runs away with a smile on his face that could light up the whole world. 

He stays there for a good while, just smiling. Princess Vivian circles his legs and is a bit annoyed because he is not noticed until he is picked up to Even’s arms and carried back home. The meeting with the boy carries him through the day, he plays it back and forth in his head again and again and again, going through every little detail, every little facial expression and every little word. He actually talked to the boy. Had contact with the boy. For a moment he is happy, the fear of the episode seems to be forgotten. But he should know better, that this won’t last, that the darkness will reach him again, he can’t hide from it. Because no matter what, it always reaches him. Because no matter what, he is not worthy of love. That is something he knows and has learned the hard way. That he can’t love anyone without hurting them. He is holding his phone in his hand and thinking about calling someone, anyone, who could tell him he deserves love as well, but he doesn’t know who it would be. Mom is out of the question, so is Sonja, to Mikael he doesn’t want to even start telling all this. Or the other boys. He thinks about texting to Laila, his sister, he even starts writing the message but then he erases everything. Mom has made it very clear that he shouldn’t burden her as well. There are times when he is jealous about the relationship Laila and their mom have. The way they laugh together, how easy it looks. Because his relationship to his mom is quite the opposite. Difficult, filled with shame and tears. So he just crawls into his bed, pats the bed and takes Princess Vivian next to him and whispers his thoughts into his ear, asks him if he liked Isak. Of course the dog can’t answer but he feels like there is an unspoken understanding between them and that Princess Vivian is saying yes. He can feel his cheeks get wet from the tears that he doesn’t care to wipe off. This is his life and this is what he has, what he deserves. He doesn’t deserve that beautiful boy in his life, he would just ruin his life as well, just like he has done to his mother and would do to Laila if he would be in her life more. 

These are the thoughts that he has in his mind when he drifts into sleep. Only to wake up after a few hours, his head feeling foggy and confused. He dreamed of the boy, again. Of their meeting earlier today. Of that beautiful smile the boy has, how it was directed towards him and for a moment he thinks he is worthy of it. Until the leopard whispers into his ear that he doesn’t deserve love because he will just fuck it up. That he is too interested in the boy, that his interest in the boy is just a symptom of his illness, that his interest is just monomania and he isn’t really interested in getting to know the boy, just stalking him everywhere he can. And that cannot be normal, even he knows that. But the image of the boy is glued on his eyes, he sees the smile every time he closes his eyes and it feels like torture to think that there is someone who deserves that boy and it’s not him, that he isn’t capable of loving anyone but Princess Vivian. He knows that in order to be able to love someone else you need to love yourself first and he is so, so far from that. He mostly hates himself, the pain and the suffering that comes to people who try to love him. So no, he can’t try to have Isak as his, he needs to let the boy find someone who is worthy of him. And he knows he is spiraling into depression, he sees all the signs but he doesn’t care, he doesn’t want to care. Because it is just one more sign of his incapability of being a human. He sighs and texts to Laila.

Even:  
“Princess Vivian needs a place to stay, can you pick him up tomorrow morning?” 

Laila:  
“Of course, has something happened? Do you want to talk?”

Even:  
“No, just the usual, you know. He may need you for a couple of weeks if that’s okay.”

Laila:  
“Anything for you, Evy. Will be there at 9 am.”

Even holds his phone against his chest and sighs again. He needs to get over his obsession about the boy. He can’t keep doing this, this isn’t good for him. Although he thinks that this is exactly what he deserves, pain and sadness. Next text is for his doctor, saying that he needs to see her as soon as possible, because he thinks he is falling into depression, and he can’t do this.


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you sure there’s enough napkins?” Isak asks with a smirk and he feels how his cheeks blush. And naturally he loses his ability to speak, he just sits there blushing like a teenager.

He should have known that Laila wouldn’t just come and pick up Princess Vivian. He had hoped so. But no, she wants to know what was happening and she is so good at reading him that she sees something is up. In a weak moment ages ago he told Laila about Isak so naturally she asks about him. If he already has talked to the boy and asked him out. When he tells about their encounter she laughs, and that makes him blush a bit. She has always been like that with him and at times it is annoying.

What he didn’t expect was to hear her say that this might not be monomania and that he might actually have feelings for the boy. That what he sees as an obsession could actually be a crush that just needed some fire and courage. He sighs and turns to look away, it hurts too much to think about this because he is sure he is right and Laila is wrong. He is the one living with this feeling, he is the one who knows how he really feels and what is going on, isn’t he? Laila does do her very best to get him understand her point but he is too determined with his own point to even think about her being right. 

It is so quiet in the apartment after Laila and Princess Vivian leave. She said that it maybe would be better if he would stay with him but he insisted her taking him for a while. He is going to see his doctor later today and he is pretty sure the end result would be hospitalization, once again. This time because of depression and delusion and monomania.

Berit, his doctor, agrees that he the way he thinks about the boy is close to being monomanic. But she also says that he doesn’t seem delusional or so severely depressed that he should be in the hospital. Berit does say that it might be a good idea to think if he actually has feelings for the boy. But how could he have, he doesn’t even actually know the boy? He has talked to him once and it was about Princess Vivian. He knows that the boy studies with Sana who is Elias’ sister so he has seen him around for a few years now. Yes, he has been pining for the boy for a year now, ever since his last episode and his last hospital visit. The one that had made him think about things, like really think. He knows that he could ask Elias or even Sana to introduce them but he doesn’t want to. There is no actual reason for this, he just has this feeling that this needs to happen on its own or not at all. At its current pace it would happen never. Berit encouraged him to talk to the boy and not just hide behind his illness. Yes, his thoughts could be symptomatic for an upcoming episode but yet again, he can’t stop living because something might be a symptom. But the ugly truth is that it is the illness that has made him mess things up, always, so what would make this time any different? What would be different between them? Nothing he could think of. He hears his phone bling and when he looks at it, he notices that it’s a text from Laila.

Laila:  
What did Berit say? Princess V is on my bed napping in the sunshine. 

Even:   
That this could be monomanic and a start of an episode. We booked a new visit for next week. And that I should try to talk to Isak. But I can’t do that, I’ll just mess it up like I always do.

Laila:  
Have you thought that you maybe should let this Isak decide himself if he likes you and can handle you or not? There is not that much of you to handle anyway, Evy.

Even:  
So, I should go to him and say “Hi, I’m Even and I’ve been stalking for you a year now. I’m also bipolar so do you want me?” No, not an option. Next good advice.

Laila:  
Why are you always so dramatic? There are some other options than going full stalker mode or not talking to him at all. Ask him for a coffee at Uni? Or for a beer? To movies? Something else than telling him you’re a stalker, I wouldn’t tell him that on the first date, wait at least for the third date. 

Even:  
You’re so funny, sis. 

But the truth is that texting with Laila makes him smile. And maybe even think about actually talking to the boy. For a brief moment there is peace inside him. He feels almost happy, he almost feels like a normal person probably feels. Until the leopard is there again, whispering things into his ear. Telling him he is not worthy of that beautiful boy. That the boy deserves someone who is normal, whatever that means. He is so deep in his own thoughts that he doesn’t notice the blonde boy who is walking towards him, also holding his phone in his hand and probably texting as well. So of course they run into each other, bumping their heads together. When he lifts his eyes from his phone, he turns red because naturally the other boy is Isak. Who is holding his head because it hurt when they bumped their heads together. He could feel the panic rising inside him, the peaceful feeling was now long gone. He tries to speak, say how sorry he is for not paying attention and bumping his head into Isak’s but nothing comes out of his mouth, he can feel it moving though and he must look like a fish on dry land. And this is ridiculous because he has game, he usually isn’t this shy and awkward with people he wants. It’s Isak who manages to speak first.

“Hi, we meet again. But I do hope we won’t see in these terms again, this is getting painful.” And then he smiles and oh boy, that smile is so beautiful and warm. 

“Yeah, I know. Does your head hurt? I’m so sorry for not looking where I’m walking, I was texting with my sister and I just completely forgot to watch where I’m going or if someone is walking towards me.” Now he is rambling, great. The panic is still there, he knows what he is supposed to do when it attacks but somehow it’s totally impossible to breathe deeply and calm down when the boy is standing there in front of him. 

“Can I offer you a cup of coffee? I insist, I’ve now hurt you twice so I need to somehow make that up to you.” He still talks way too fast and is so fucking nervous that it is not even funny anymore. He is so scared the boy will say no that he almost says it himself but then he hears the boy saying yes. At first he isn’t sure if he heard right but then he sees the smile on the boys face, so he decides to trust his ears. Although he doesn’t understand why the boy says yes. He is a panicking mess. He turns his head around, remembering that there is a nice little coffee shop close by in the direction he came from and asks if they should go there. 

They walk to the the coffee shop and it seems to take forever although it actually is merely a minute. They don’t talk and he tries to avoid looking at the boy, he does his best to not seem weird and lunatic but he is not sure how well he is actually doing in that front. He tries to think of things to say but comes up with absolutely nothing. Zero. Nada. They arrive to the coffee shop and he is a gentleman and keeps the door open for Isak who smiles at him while walking inside. That does things to him, that smile. It is just so beautiful and so natural and amazing. So free compared to his own, the panic still very strong inside him. Everything inside him is screaming that he should run, run away as fast as he can. But they order their coffees, a black coffee for Isak and a caramel latte for him and two cinnamon buns. They pick a little table by the window with two seats and of course when he is placing Isak’s coffee in front of him he manages to spill the coffee on the table. He can feel how the panic takes over him and he runs to the counter, pulls out every napkin of the dispenser and starts drying the table. Isak looks at him with eyes wide until he starts laughing. For a moment he is startled, doesn’t understand why Isak is laughing at him until he sees how ridiculous the situation is. He spilled a very small drop of coffee and the amount of napkins is way over the top. He starts to laugh as well and sits down, the wet napkins still in his hand. 

“Are you sure there’s enough napkins?” Isak asks with a smirk and he feels how his cheeks blush. And naturally he loses his ability to speak, he just sits there blushing like a teenager. He is startled when Isak continues talking. “I have seen you around at Sana’s, you’re friends with Elias?”   
“Em, yes. We have known each other since we were kids.” Has the boy noticed him looking, longing? He feels so ashamed that he wants to just leave and never speak to the boy again. Because he knows he will fuck this up as he always does with everything and everyone. He tries to think of something witty to say, actually anything to say, but his brain is still refusing to work with him and he comes up with nothing.   
“Great conversation”, is what he comes up with and he feels himself blushing again. Isak smiles that smile that seems to light up the whole coffee shop and just hums and takes a sip of his coffee. They sit in silence for a good while, both drinking their coffees and watching outside the window. He tries to steal glances of the boy when he thinks Isak won’t notice him looking, it feels so good to be so close to him. He feels an urge to touch the boy, stroke his hand with his own. He wants to know how the boys skin feels like, is it as soft as it looks. But he doesn’t do it. Maybe he should but he doesn’t. He is scared that he will scare the boy away. So instead he sits there enjoying the closeness of the boy, inhaling him and looking at him in secret. Trying to see everything there is to see, every little detail he might have missed before when he has been looking at the boy only from a distance. Savoring every little detail. How the boy has little freckles in his face, how perfect his lips are, how green his eyes are and how long his lashes are, how he looks at him, like he really wants to be there with him. He wants to make this moment last as long as possible, he needs that to happen. He needs this like he needs to breathe. If he can’t touch, he at least can watch and see. Suddenly he realises that the look on the boys eyes has changed and that he is speaking. To him. Asking something and he has absolutely no idea what it is because he has just been staring at the boy. Before he can decide how to save himself from the situation, Isak asks the question again.

“So you study at the Uni?” How does he know that. Has he seen him stalking him at the cafeteria when he has been thinking the boy has been otherwise occupied and he could watch? The panic is rising again to a new level but then Isak continues speaking. “Sana said something like that the other day.” He is saved, thank god for Sana.  
“Yes, media studies. I should graduate next year if everything goes as planned.” Meaning if he doesn’t have any episodes and go crazy, again. Like he has done, several times. So many times that he has lost count already and he knows that his mom is already lost all hope of him graduating. “And you?”  
“Biology. I think I’ve seen you at the Uni sometimes”, the boys says smiling. Oh my god, he wants to disappear right now. The boy must know he is stalking him. And think he is ridiculous. Which he is, he knows that himself better than anyone else. He is hopeless and stupid and oblivious. How can he ever have thought that he could have any chance with this boy?   
“Oh”, is the best he comes up with. 

Then the boy does something he would never have thought would happen. He asks for his phone and saves his phone number there saying he should text him sometime because it would be nice to see him again, and that he needs to leave now so he won’t piss off Sana by being late for their study date. Even is left behind, still sitting and holding his phone and looking at the new added contact saying “Isak”. What has just happened?


	4. chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even:   
> Testing, testing. This is Even, the one with the dog and who keeps hurting you. 
> 
> And then for his horror, instead of erasing it he hits send. Which leads into a panic reaction and he starts writing more messages.

When he eventually manages to go home he facetimes with Laila and Princess Vivian. It’s something they always do if Laila is taking care of him, it’s their thing. Someone might say it’s silly but he enjoys it. Seeing that his little furry baby is doing well and having a chance to talk to Laila. They are close, they always have been close. That’s something he is happy about, that although he has been through Hell and back, Laila is always there for him, no matter what happens. She doesn’t judge him by his illness and he treasures that because it’s so rare for him, being taken as he is. Especially in his family. His relationship with his mom is what it is. It feels good to have someone on his side, someone who is connected to him by blood and isn’t part of the family he has built around himself from friends. Someone who hasn’t chosen to be part of his family. It might be stupid but it is important to him. And not least because of his mom. Sometimes he thinks he should just man up and stop being so hurt by what his mom does, or as it is mostly in his case, doesn’t do. He knows Laila knows how he feels about his relationship to their mom although they don’t talk about it very often, mainly because it is too painful. But right now he feels jealous of what Laila has with their mom but he doesn’t want to talk about it, not now and not this way. 

When he tells Laila about their impromptu coffee date with Isak Laila squeals out of excitement and wants to know everything, of course. She seems happy for him and asks if he already texted Isak. Which he hasn’t done because he doesn’t know what to say. He has a hard time believing that Isak really wants him to text him, although Laila keeps asking why he would then give him his number. It makes sense but he still can’t believe it. That the boy has noticed him and might actually be also interested in him. Laila tells him to text the boy already, that Isak probably is waiting for that to happen already. After she nags him about it for a good while he tells her he will do it after they stop talking. Which raises the question of what he is going to say to Isak. Laila encourages him to be honest and tell him how he feels. Which seems easier said than done. They talk for a while more and Even talks also to Princess Vivian who seems excited to see him and hear his voice although he also seems very comfortable on the bed with Laila. He is happy Laila likes Princess Vivian so much, that they share the love for that little guy. 

After they stop talking Even opens a new text message and starts to write to Isak. It makes his heart beat so fast that it feels like it might burst out of his chest. He starts writing something, erases it, writes more, erases it, writes again something and erases it. This happens for a long time, he loses track of time and how many messages he has started and then erased. 

Even:   
Testing, testing. This is Even, the one with the dog and who keeps hurting you. 

And then for his horror, instead of erasing it he hits send. Which leads into a panic reaction and he starts writing more messages.

Even:  
Oh my god! I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to be sent.  
No! I was going to text you but something else. Not that!   
So, it’s Even. Who has Princess Vivian.   
Here’s my number. Call me maybe?   
I’M SO SORRY, I’M USUALLY NOT LIKE THIS!! USUALLY I DO HAVE GAME.   
NOT THAT I’M PLAYING WITH YOU.   
OR THAT THIS IS A GAME FOR ME.  
NO! I LIKE YOU!   
NO! NO! NO! NO!  
Please, I hope you don’t read these. 

Then for his horror he sees a writing bubble appear in the screen. “Isak is writing”. So he is reading the messages. He stares his phone in horror and disbelief, not knowing what to do. 

Even:  
I do like you! From the minute I saw you the first time.   
You’re so cute.   
Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that.  
But I do think you are that.   
Cute I mean.   
Please make me stop!

The writing bubble goes away and appears back and it just makes him panic get more intense. 

I’m so sorry for being an idiot.   
Usually I’m not like this. It’s you that makes me this way.  
Nooo! It’s not your fault.   
I just. I..get nervous around you. If you didn’t get that already.   
Sorry. Please forgive me. I’m an idiot. In love.  
WHAT! No!   
You’re so beautiful. Gorgeous.  
I just. Fuck..

Isak:   
It’s chill. I’m happy you texted me and I got your number now.   
And I must admit that you’re hot as well. 

He looks his phone in disbelief, what the fuck just happened. What was he thinking? Well, obviously nothing but fuck. This wasn’t what he had in mind when he promised to Laila he’ll text Isak. For a second he thinks about telling Laila what happened but he is too embarrassed to do that right now. He feels his cheeks blush. And he just smiles while he looks at his phone. The boy thinks he is hot. He might have a change, even though he just made ridiculous fool out of himself. He puts his phone on his chest and tries to calm down, the texting incident was quite intense and he feels tired.

To his surprise, he falls asleep like that. His dreams are a mess, Isak is there and he doesn’t get a chance to talk to him although they are in the same room, almost next to each other. There seems to be a barrier between them, something they can’t break or go around. Then his mother is there as well, looking pissed as fuck and yelling at him. About all the things he has done wrong, about all the ways he has been a disappointment to her, even after the things she has done for him. Paying for endless amounts of meds and therapy and which have lead to absolutely nothing, her son is still a mess and fucked up. The screaming is so loud and noticeable that everyone hears it, Isak included. Even is horrified, he doesn’t like to share his illness with others and definitely not like this. He tries to calm his mother but it just seems to get her going louder and with more insults about him and his illness. He feels at the same time totally numb and a huge panic attack rising in his veins. He can’t breathe and he starts to hyperventilate, it feels like someone is sitting on his chest and he can’t move out of his mothers eyes and keeps being yelled at. He takes it, the panic attack, the yelling, everything because he must have done something to deserve this. He doesn’t know what it is but it doesn’t matter, this is what he deserves. This is his life now. 

He wakes up in a panic, heart racing and not being able to breathe properly. His mind knows it’s a panic attack and that he is not going to die but there is that part of his brains also that isn’t sure of it. So he just sits there, gasping for air and trying to get his lungs to cooperate with him. He has meds for panic attacks as well but taking one would require being able to move his legs in order to walk to the kitchen and he can’t do that. Nothing in his body is listening to him. He feels the panic attack just get more and more intense and he is starting to get very scared. He wishes Princess Vivian would be home since he always calms him down when something like this happens. But no, he is all alone. How did he think he could be able to handle a relationship with someone like Isak who doesn’t know how crazy and broken he is. Broken in a way that can’t be fixed. How did he think he would actually be worthy of happiness, even a little bit of it? Because obviously he isn’t, he has never been worthy of happiness. That’s why he keeps fucking up every sad excuse of a relationship he has ever had and why he keeps hurting the people he loves or at least thinks he loves. He isn’t sure anymore if he actually has been loved by anyone. Why would he have been, he just keeps fucking up everything he touches? He is actually happy that Vivian is with Laila, he deserves love and he may not be able to give that to him the way he needs it but Laila can, he’s sure of that. Maybe his mom was right, he shouldn’t have taken a dog in the first place, he can’t handle these kind of things. 

He curls into the bed, holding his long legs against his chest and tries to breathe. He can feel tears falling down his cheeks, they feel wet and somehow comforting in a way. Like they would be evidence that he is still alive, he is still here. Not that he wants to be, he would want nothing more than the bed to open up and swallow him so he would vanish. He can’t handle this, not at all. He tightens his grip of his legs, curls into a smaller ball, wants to be as small as possible. Disappear. He lets the tears come out, he cries like a little baby and soothes himself with little whispers. Hoping that Vivian would be with him, that he could have him curled up next to him. He truly feels that Vivian is the only one who loves him without any limitations or questions asked. He wants to reach for his phone but then he remembers all the texts he sent Isak. There is no way that is going to lead to anything now. Not after that. No way.


	5. chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “LAILA, WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?” He yells at her, eyes still on the phone and the message, reading it all over again.

He looks at his phone and the texts he sent to Isak. And the answers he got. His finger hovers over the “delete”-button but something is keeping him from doing that. Although he knows that he ruined his chances, there is no way Isak would really be interested in him after the way he made a fool out himself. He groans and pushes the phone under the covers, somewhere out of reach so he doesn’t start texting again. He just lays in his bed, looking at the ceiling and thinking. No, not thinking because his mind is in a total still and lock. There is nothing in his mind and at the same time it is filled with thoughts. There are ideas racing around, there are ideas yelling at him that he should do this and that and just forget the voice that says it’s a stupid idea to do those things. He feels overwhelmed and he can’t concentrate on anything so laying there and looking at the ceiling seems like the best choice.

He hears that his phone beeps under the covers and he knows that if it’s Laila, she will get worried if he doesn’t answer him. But right now the idea of answering to her is too much, he can’t move his arm in order to reach for the phone. It’s like his arms are made of stone or something and he just doesn’t have the energy to move them. Instead he closes his eyes and thinks about the boy. How Isak looks when he is running in the park at mornings, how he laughed when they had coffee, how beautiful he is with his curls escaping under the snapback. How much he would love to tell him how he feels for him and how much he knows he can’t do that. He feels tears falling on his cheeks again and thinks for a moment that he should get a tissue, but that would mean he’d need to move and he can’t move. He has no energy, no power, no nothing that is required for that kind of action. So instead he just lays there, tears falling down his cheeks and his phone beeping under the covers. 

He has no idea how long he has been laying there like this, curled with his legs against his chest, but it could have been just few minutes or hours or maybe even days. He doesn’t remember when he has last eaten, when he took his meds, did he sleep or not. He doesn’t want to eat or drink or take his meds or get out of bed. He feels safe, at least somewhat safe. As safe as one can feel when one is in this kind of mood. Everything that is not in his little bubble feels scary and like something that takes too much energy, energy that he doesn’t have to spare. But he knows he needs to get up because although he doesn’t want to eat or drink, he does need to pee. It’s 8 steps to the toilet from his bed and 8 back to his bed. He counted them once when having an depressive episode and he needed to know how long it would take to get to the bathroom. Slowly he gets up and starts walking towards the toilet. He doesn’t want to look at himself in the mirror, he knows or can guess what he looks like. Bed hair, drool on his cheek, bags under his red eyes, his skin won’t look radiant or glowing but gray and sad. Pretty much how he feels at the moment. Someone once told him that although he was manic, he wasn’t brain dead. It might be true in manic episodes but in depressive ones he feels like he is brain dead. Because it feels so quiet in his head, nothing happens in there and yet there is things yelling in there but the voices don’t have a way to get out. Which is why he hates depression more than mania. He doesn’t love the mania either but it has something in it that makes it easier, the flow and the certain glow that depression lacks. 

He manages to walk the 16 steps towards and back to the toilet. And get back to his bed. He did think about going to the kitchen but he knows his fridge is empty and he doesn’t want to eat anything anyway so it wasn’t worth the trouble. Those 16 steps took almost every bit of energy he had and now he is back laying on his bed. Feeling stupid, ridiculous, tired, exhausted, worthless. Sighing he takes his phone from under the covers and sees that there are several texts from Laila and some from Mikael and Elias and Adam. He skips the ones from the boys, he has no energy to deal with them now, and checks what Laila texted him about. Princess V is okay, then some pictures of him outside in the woods and one of him sleeping in the sunny spot in her room. Several ones asking how he is and why doesn’t he answer. Last few saying that if he doesn’t answer in the next few hours, she would come over to check what is going on. He sighs, those messages were sent like four or five hours ago so she probably is already on her way. For a moment he ponders if he should call her and tell her not to come but realizes it’s too late when he hears the doorbell ringing. She is here already and if he doesn’t open the door, she will just use the spare key she has so if needed, she can get Princess Vivian if he is not in the condition to take care of him. He goes with the easier option or at least the one that feels easier and stays in bed, curled into a little ball and listens as the doorbell rings again and again. After a while there is a moment of silence followed by the sounds of the door opening and Laila coming in with Princess Vivian. He sighs, he knows what is going to happen next and he fears it. He knows Laila is going to confront him, maybe even yell at him and then there will be tears, a lot of them. This is nothing new to either of them, they’ve been through this several times before. Which makes it only that much harder. But he takes it rather from Laila than from their mom, Laila at least acts like she actually cares and is worried about him unlike their mom who just sighs and makes him feel like the biggest disappointment ever been born on this Earth. 

“Even, I know you’re home, I can see your shoes are here”, Laila says and he can hear her walking towards the bedroom. He doesn’t want to answer anything and in a way he hopes that if he just stayed quiet, she would leave. Which she won’t do because she is as stubborn as he is. Of course Princess Vivian knows where he is and comes right to the bedroom, followed by Laila who looks so sad standing there at the door. He doesn’t want to look at her so he just pushes his face in Princess Vivian’s fur. The dog is frantically kissing him and filled with joy. For a long time they all stay like that, Laila at the door, Even pushing his face to Princess V and Princess V having the time of his life because he is reunited with him. But he can feel Laila’s eyes on him, he knows that the silence won’t last forever and that she will have words to say, words that he doesn’t want to hear. So when Laila walks to the bed and curls up next to them he sighs and tries to prepare himself. What he didn’t expect is that Laila softly touches his cheek and caresses it, almost like she would be worried that he would break if she touched him too hard. 

“Oh Evy, I’ve been so worried. You know you need to pick up when I call you. Always. It’s your job as my big brother.” She speaks softly while stroking his hair. He doesn’t answer because he knows she is right. They have deal that he doesn’t screen her calls and texts because there needs to be at least one person on this planet who knows what is going on with him. And yet he does it. Again and again. 

“Have you eaten anything? Would you like me to make you some eggs? Or a smoothie? I brought some groceries with me. You need to at least drink some water. And honey, you need to shower as well. It would make you feel better, you know that.” Her voice is soft and caring and all he can think is that he doesn’t deserve this. He can’t get the words out of his mouth, it feels like he has lost the ability to speak. But she knows not to push him, she knows that he will answer when he is ready. Instead they pet Princess Vivian who is having the time of his life laying on his back between two his favorite humans and getting all the attention. 

“Maybe a smoothie. With strawberries.” He says after a while, quietly. “And could you bring me my meds as well?” Laila nods and gets up from the bed leaving him there. This is what he loves about his sister, there is never too much fuss, she is all business. She returns with a smoothie and a handful of meds. He throws the meds into his mouth and takes a sip of the smoothie to get them down. He hates this. Seeing how many pills it takes to keep him somewhat stable and sane. 

“Has something happened? You seemed so good the other day we talked? When you met Isak for coffee?” 

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” He sighs and can feel tears falling down his cheeks. 

“Oh honey. You can always talk to me? About everything. I’m here for you, just as I know you’re here for me if I need you.” 

“I know.” He says silently, thinking if he really should just tell her but he can’t get himself to do that. Instead he hands her his phone and opens the message thread with Isak. Laila reads the messages, first smiling but then she looks at him and sees the anxiety on his face and she puts the phone down. 

“Even, are you really trying to tell me that these messages are the reason you’ve been curled up into a ball for days now??” She looks at him eyes wide. He mumbles something she can’t hear, maybe a silent yes but it doesn’t help, Laila is already on it. 

“Now you will get your sorry ass out of this bed, get a shower, eat something and then you will text Isak. Go. Now.” Her voice is strong and when nothing starts happening, she starts pushing him out of the bed and even though he is a lot taller than she is, she manages to get him going. She follows him to the bathroom and tells him that if he doesn’t shower, she will wash him herself. That gets a little laugh out of him. Someone will get a wonderful and caring partner in Laila. He showers, taking his time and enjoying the warm water. He just stands there, under the warm water, for a long while. It feels good, safe even. When he steps out of the shower he smells food and as he walks to the kitchen he sees Laila cooking and Princess Vivian sitting right next to her, waiting patiently if something would drop to the floor and he could have it. Yet again he feels like he doesn’t deserve this but he is startled from his thoughts when Laila turns and tells him to check his phone. There is a message. From Isak. 

Isak:  
I would definitely like to see you and Princess Vivian for a walk. How about in an hour at the park? 

“LAILA, WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?” He yells at her, eyes still on the phone and the message, reading it all over again. 

“I did what you should have done days ago. Messaged Isak that you want to see him again. Chill Evy, it will be fine. You’ll have time to eat first and get your act together.” She is smirking. She knows he can’t actually be mad at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's important that you understand that Even is not having an actual deprsessive episode here, he is just being a bit stupid and emotional. If you're really derpsessed, it doesn't help if someone tells you to get out of the bed and get your shit together, the person just needs to take the time it takes to get their act together. But here Even is just being a bit silly and he has the tendency to get dramatic. And Laila knows her brother and when she can just call his bullshit and make him do stuff instead of whining in bed.


	6. Chapter 6 / Isak's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But remember, if you hurt Even, you answer to me.” Sana had also said. And yes, Isak was a bit scared of Sana so he had just nodded and made a mental note to not hurt that beautiful boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gives us a look at how Isak feels about Even and the situation. Hope you'll enjoy it, this was fun to write! There will be more of Isak's POV in the future. 
> 
> Comments and kudos really mean the world to me <3

Isak is actually surprised about the text. Not because he doesn’t want to see Even because he does, and he already fell in love with Princess Vivian as well, but because there had been this silence between them that felt weird. Like it was over. The texting. Like Even didn’t want to see him or text him. But now he needs to get moving if he intends to be at the park in an hour, he needs to shower first and try to pick something reasonable to wear. It’s not usual to Isak to be this stressed about what he wears. He just feels like he needs to make an good impression, so he needs to be mindful of what he is wearing. But first, the shower.

While standing in the shower Isak recalls the conversation he had with Sana, about Even. Because if Even thinks he has been subtle with him being at the park with Princess Vivian at mornings when Isak goes there for his morning run, he is so wrong. Isak so has noticed him. Noticed him looking at Isak and Isak has been looking back. Who wouldn’t look back, the boy is so beautiful. Like Isak’s wet daydream come true, so long and lean, and those amazing blue eyes. How could he not notice that? After a few weeks he had seen Even at the Bakkoush house and asked Sana about the boy. Because it seemed obvious that Even was interested, but why hadn’t he made a move yet? Sana had rolled her eyes like a pro and laughed at him which had made Isak even more puzzled. 

“Even is an idiot. You need to take the lead, he never will. He will just keep looking at you from a distance.” Sana had said and when Isak had asked what she meant by that she had said that she had overheard Even talking to Elias about “this amazing, pretty boy who runs at the park every morning but who he can’t talk to because he would just fuck things up”. Isak had turned his head to look at the beautiful boy, he couldn’t see how he could be so insecure. But if that’s what it would take, he would do that. 

“But remember, if you hurt Even, you answer to me.” Sana had also said. And yes, Isak was a bit scared of Sana so he had just nodded and made a mental note to not hurt that beautiful boy. 

The walk to the park is short and Isak is there before Even and Princess Vivian arrive. He had gotten them coffees from a coffee shop nearby. He remembered that Even had ordered a caramel latte the time they had coffee together so he got that to him. For some reason he doesn’t feel nervous at all which feels weird, usually he has butterflies in his stomach before a date. There is something about Even that calms him down, something in his aura that makes him want more of the boy. He longs for his company and that is new to him, he isn’t usually the kind of a man who wants a relationship, he is happy being single. At least until now.

He hears Even and Princess Vivian before he sees them. It seems that Princess Vivian has already spotted him and is all but running towards him and Even is trying to slow down with not so good results. Isak turns to meet them with a huge grin on his face, he has missed the little dog a lot. He kneels to meet Princess V who kisses him with passion and almost pushes him over. Isak hands both of the coffees to Even while mumbling something to Princess Vivian’s neck which makes Even smile like a sun. It takes Isak a while to get up from greeting Princess V who is rolling on the ground in front of Isak now, demanding for attention. Even can’t help but smile at them, sipping his coffee and holding Isak’s cup. It means the world to him that these two get along already so well although he is starting to feel a bit like a third wheel. 

“Your coffee is getting cold” Even says with a smile, not really worried about that but just as a reminder that he is here as well. Isak looks up from Princess V and blushes a bit. 

“Sorry, I got a bit carried away.” 

“It’s okay, Princess Vivian doesn’t usually fall in love like this with strangers. You must be special”. And oh my, that smile just melts Isak’s heart. For a moment he forgets what he was doing and just stares at the other boy’s beautiful, radiant smile. He is so in trouble because of Even. He only hopes the feeling would be mutual as Sana had said it would be. Isak knows there is no reason Sana would tell him something that wasn’t true. But he does wonder why this stunning man is still single and why he so insecure about himself, he could get anyone with that smile and Isak has heard the rumors about telling that Even sleeps around. So why is he so shy now with him? Isak doesn’t mind the rumors, mostly because he knows that most of them are just that rumors and also because he is not the one to judge anyone about sleeping around, he has done that himself as well. But there is something different about Even, Isak notices that he wants more than just a short fling with him. He could actually see himself dating him. That if is Even is also interested in that, dating him. 

Now that Even is here Isak feels shy. Which is weird, why did he feel shy now? Isak sits next to Even who hands him his coffee and for a moment they just drink their coffees in silence while Princess V is rolling in the grass next to them. Having the dog there is a good ice breaker, they both notice that when they laugh at him when he stands up covered in grass. Princess Vivian does seem a bit upset about them laughing at him but he forgets that soon as Isak holds out his hand so he could pet the dog again.They don’t talk, just sit there in silence for a quite a long time, Isak looking at Even when he notices the boy is looking at Princess Vivian and not him so he can do that in secret. What Isak doesn’t notice is that Even does the exact same thing when Isak is not looking. Stolen glances both ways seems to be the word for the day. 

“I was happy to get the text from you today” Isak says after a while, remembering what Sana had said about being the one in lead. Isak looks at Even while saying it, wanting to see what kind of a reaction he would get. 

“Yeah? I was kinda worried I already made a total fool of myself and you wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again.” Even says blushing. Isak suddenly feels a need to touch the other boy, to tell him that everything is okay and he would need to do so much more to get him to be not interested. But he isn’t sure how Even would react to a touch. Instead he just smiles and hopes it would do the trick, tell the other one there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

“Well, it takes more than that to push me away.” Isak says and now it is his turn to blush. This is ridiculous, they are both grown men and here they are , blushing. Even turns his head to look at Isak, looking surprised like he hasn’t figured it out already that Isak is interested in him.

“I want to get to know you better. You and Princess Vivian. I meant what I said when I said you’re hot.” Isak says in a low voice, almost whispering, but he can tell Even heard him because he turns his head and looks straight into Isak’s green eyes. The look in Even’s eyes is full of hope and that makes Isak feel brave, so he gently moves his hand over Even’s. Even seems a bit startled but after a few moments relaxes into Isak’s touch. When they get up from the bench in order to actually do some walking, they’re still holding hands.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I was kind of hoping you would come in for me, but it’s okay if you want to spend more time with Princess V,” he says with a hint of laughter in his voice. Isak looks up as and Even just melts when he sees that Isak’s cheeks turn a bit red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Laika_the_husband for pushing me to write and proof reading this <3

They have walked a good distance when he realizes he is still holding Isak’s hand. And naturally his first reaction is to think that what if Isak doesn’t know how to let go, that he doesn’t actually want to hold his hand, but doesn’t know how to let go without a fuss. He notices he is looking at their joined hands and smiling. It feels right, it feels like home. Of course Isak notices he is smiling and looking at their hands and flashes an even bigger smile that makes his knees weak. Could this really be happening? Is this real? Did it really just take one message from Laila to get them here? 

They walk around the park. Princess Vivian is obviously enjoying having the two boys with him. His tail is wagging and he keeps looking back to make sure the boys don’t slow down, like telling them that they need to hurry up. They do just that, suddenly it’s Princess V who is setting the pace and telling them where to go.

When they find themselves standing at the front door of Even’s apartment building, they are both a bit surprised but they go inside anyway. Even doesn’t have time to panic about the state of his apartment, or do anything else, because before he can say or do anything, he notices Isak is sitting on the floor next to Princess V. The dog is over to moon with the attention he’s getting. Even just looks at them, smiling. This feels natural in a way that he has never felt. 

“I was kind of hoping you would come in for me, but it’s okay if you want to spend more time with Princess V,” he says with a hint of laughter in his voice. Isak looks up as and Even just melts when he sees that Isak’s cheeks turn a bit red. 

“Sorry.. He is just so charming..” Isak starts, but doesn’t continue when he sees the smile on the other boy’s face. 

“I know, he is a little charmer, the love of my life,” Even says and fondles the dogs ears, those silky big ears that have been listening to all his worries for years now. His loyal and best companion who never leaves him when he needs someone, who always is there for him. And it feels like Princess V understands what he is saying, since he walks a bit closer and leans on his legs. Like saying that he is not going anywhere, although he likes Isak as well. They talk a while about Princess V, both now sitting on the floor by all Even’s shoes, stealing glances of each other when they think the other one is not looking. 

“I don’t know about you, but I need to sit somewhere where there’s something softer under my ass than just plain floor,” Even says and starts getting up from the floor. He looks at Isak who is smiling that beautiful smile of his again, the one that makes his heart melt and knees give in.

Even holds out his hand in order to help Isak up from the floor and is not at all prepared for what happens next. That Isak takes his hand, and then comes so close to him that there is practically no space between them, and that Isak keeps looking directly into his eyes. And that Isak kisses him. Just like that. Presses those beautiful lips against his and kisses him. He is so startled for a second that he doesn’t even return the kiss, and that makes Isak back away.

“I’m sorry...I thought you wanted this too..” he mumbles and looks so small with his blushed cheeks. Even doesn’t answer using words, instead he just places his hands on Isak’s hips and kisses him, mumbling against his lips that he so wants this too. 

“I have wanted to do this since I saw you the first time in that park ages ago,” Even manages to say between kisses, lips meeting lips and tongues playing together. He can see Isak’s eyes widening and him smiling into the kiss. The kiss starts slow, a bit shy, but heats up fast and soon it’s all tongue and moans. They stop for a second, like asking each other if this is what they really want, and the answer can be easily read in their eyes.

Even takes Isak by his hand and guides him into his bedroom. They stop near the bed to kiss some more and to undress each other out of the layers of clothing that are in between them and the naked skin they want and need to touch. Instead of urgency there is something different between them, determination maybe, and need, definitely need to have the other one as close as possible. 

Isak pushes Even on the bed, and follows and lays down next to him, letting his hands wander all over his body. They just lay there for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes, hands wandering around naked skin, and taking in the new situation. Both of them are hard as a rock, but still there is no hurry. They know they have all the time in the world to get to know each other.

The way Even’s fingers linger all over Isak’s body is making him smile, it’s making him want Isak even more, it makes him feel like home. Like he has known every curve and spot of the body next to him, always. It’s almost too much for him, overwhelming. Even can feel that Isak sees that too, as he gently caresses Even’s lips saying that there is no hurry anywhere and they don’t need to do anything they’re not ready for. 

But it’s not that Even isn’t ready. Because oh god, he so is. He wants everything, every inch of the boy, he wants to know how he feels, he tastes and how he sounds. Even nods. He has lost the ability to speak, it’s like his mouth can’t produce words anymore. There is only the want and the need and Isak. So instead of saying anything he just keeps kissing Isak, he lets his lips play with the soft skin on his neck and on his collar bones. Even almost loses it when he hears the beautiful noises Isak makes when he licks his nipple. He does it again, just to get to hear that moan again and yes, it goes straight into his dick that is standing hard against his stomach.

It’s then when Isak takes the control of the situation and starts grinding his hips against Even’s. Even is seeing stars from the perfect friction he is getting from the other boy’s dick against his own. He can’t stay silent and moans loudly, throwing his head back. Isak pushes him gently on his back and starts mapping his skin with his lips and tongue. Tasting every inch, making Even squirm under his touch, making him moan like a porn star. Even keeps lifting his hips because he needs some friction but Isak is not giving that to him. He keeps moving up so that there is no contact. It’s making Even impatient and he tries to grab a hold of the Isak’s hips so there could be friction, but Isak tells him not to. Isak’s determined voice makes things just worse for Even.

Usually Even is the one in charge, he likes to be the top. But now, with this boy, he is more than happy to give the reins to Isak and just be a happy bottom. Be used, be told what to do and how to do it. His dick is slick with precum, he is just so hard and wants this so much.

“Lube and condoms?” Isak mumbles while biting Even’s nipple gently. Even points to the drawer and let’s Isak take them out. He wants to savour the moment when Isak is sitting on his thighs. He lets his eyes wander on Isak’s skin and on his dick. Which is a beautiful dick, he can’t wait to have it inside him. Isak gets the lube and condoms out of the drawer and for a moment they just look at each other. Hungrily, waiting for the next part to happen. The best part. 

Isak opens the lube slowly and squeezes it on his fingers. He moves himself between Even’s legs that are already beautifully spread as wide as possible. Having those lovely fingers inside him makes Even lose it, he moans and squirms and begs for more and more. Isak is happy to deliver just that, to push his fingers deeper, slowly. 

“I want you to ride me,” Isak whispers to Even’s ear when he is done opening him. Even doesn’t know how to answer, the ability to speak is still gone, so instead he just nods and gestures Isak to turn on his back. He likes this position so much, has always liked it. With both girls and boys. Riding Isak is no exception, it feels divine as Isak’s dick pushes into him slowly, and opens him even more than Isak’s fingers did. Even moves his hips slowly at first, making sure that they find a rhythm together, but it doesn’t take long until he is totally lost in the moment. He leans his hands on Isak’s thighs and rides the boy, moans and chases the right spot, the spot that makes himl just see stars. Isak has his hands on Even’s hips and he is fucking him and Even fucks him, and together they enjoy each other in every way they can.

“Fuck, you’re so tight. Fuck,” Isak manages to say.

“I’m not going to last,” Even pants as a reply and tosses his head back, putting himself in display for the other boy who loves what he is seeing. 

Next thing Even realizes is that there is a big, warm hand around his dick and Isak is telling him to come. It doesn’t take him long to do as he is told. He comes all over Isak’s hand and stomach, and that is the thing that pushes Isak over the edge as well. Even keeps riding him through his orgasm, although he is a bit sore already because of his own orgasm. But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything else than the gorgeous boy under him, panting and sweating. The boy who is looking at him with his big green eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It happens one night when they are laying on his bed with Isak. Even feels a bit funny, overemotional, he feels tears are coming but doesn’t want to cry because there is no reason to. He is also so, so horny, and keeps trying to undress Isak. But when Isak notices the tears in his eyes, he says no. Isak says no again when Even is practically undressing him and trying to jerk Isak off while crying.

All the sudden Princess V appears on the bed, jumping all over them and kissing both of them and being just happy and joyful. Although it kinda ruins the romantic mood, at the same time it doesn’t. They entertain the dog by giving him cuddles and tickling his paws, and smiling and laughing, which just makes him more excited, but they don’t care. Having the dog between them is a relief in a way, it gives them something else to do, gives them time to think about what to say to the other one. 

The three of them lay there in silence. It feels so right, so natural to be there like that. Even doesn’t bring people home like this often, so it’s rare that there is someone else with him on the bed giving attention to Vivian. Even thinks if he should say something, anything, but he doesn’t know what. So instead he just holds Isak in his arms, makes little circles with his fingers on his back, and listens to the way Isak breathes steadily. He hadn’t thought this would happen, not yet anyway. 

“What are you thinking? I can hear your brain working,” Isak says to him in a low voice that’s almost a whisper.   
“Will you believe if I say that nothing?”  
“No, and I think you know that,” Isak answers with a smile and turns his head so he can see Even’s face.   
“I’m bipolar. And kind of slutty, it seems.” Shit, that’s not what he was supposed to say. He feels his cheeks blushing. He’s afraid to look at Isak, he doesn’t want to see his reaction on his face so he turns his head away. But to his surprise Isak gently turns it back and kisses him.  
“I’ve sleeping issues and suffer from anxiety. And I like this kind of sluttiness.” 

There is a moment of silence between them after that. Like both of them are taking a second to take in what the other person just said. 

“One of my best friend’s mom is also bipolar, so I do know what it is. In case you were wondering,” Isak says after a while. Even breathes out and realises that he has been holding his breath, maybe because he was scared that Isak would just get up and go when he told him. 

“Okay,” is all Even gets out of his mouth.   
“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll take this day by day and just see how things roll on their own. No stress, just chill, okay?” Isak says to him, looking straight into his eyes. Oh god, Even is so gone for this boy. What has he done to deserve this boy in his life? 

They lay on the bed for a while more, talking lazily about mundane things, and petting Vivian who is laying between them and giving kisses to Isak. They both are a bit startled when Even’s phone rings. It’s Laila, and he knows why she is calling. She wants to know how their walk went. Isak gets up and says he’s going to the bathroom so he can talk in private. Even answers the phone and was right, the first thing Laila asks is how did the walk go. When he says that Isak is in the bathroom, there is screaming and laughing at the other end of the call. 

“Laila, calm down, he can hear you!” he says with laughter in his voice. “But thank you for giving me the push I needed. You’re a good sister.”  
“I know I am. Now, go have some more fun with your boy and call me later,” Laila says before ending the phone call. 

When Even puts the phone down, he notices Isak standing at the door. Naked, beautiful, gorgeous Isak. Smiling at him. It’s impossible not to smile back because that smile is just something else, it is everything. He just looks at the boy, let’s his eyes wander on his body and take in all the little details. Long legs, beautiful hips, those collar bones he just wants to suck, the curls that are all over the place now, the smile on his face. Even gets up from the bed and walks to Isak, wraps his arms around his waist and kisses him. 

They spend the rest of the day in bed. Kissing, making out, learning what makes the other one tick, fucking, laughing, talking, eating, listening to music, getting to know each other.

It seems perfect. Even spends a lot time with Isak during the next few weeks. Isak fits so well in his life, and he fits well into Isak’s. Their friends get along together, and Laila and Sana are both trying to say they are responsible for them to actually getting together. But for him and Isak it doesn’t matter who it was that gave them the final push. 

But Even should have known that things wouldn’t stay perfect forever when it’s his life. He starts to spiral into an episode. So slowly that nobody sees it happening before it’s full on. Even is more loud that he usually his, he is saying yes to everything, he wants to do everything immediately, he is simply a riot and a really fun to be around. So it is understandable that the episode gets into a full blown one before anybody notices.

It happens one night when they are laying on his bed with Isak. Even feels a bit funny, overemotional, he feels tears are coming but doesn’t want to cry because there is no reason to. He is also so, so horny, and keeps trying to undress Isak. But when Isak notices the tears in his eyes, he says no. Isak says no again when Even is practically undressing him and trying to jerk Isak off while crying. 

“Evy honey, stop. No, STOP. You need to stop. What’s going on? Talk to me.” Isak tries to get in contact with him. But Even isn’t listening. All he hears is the no. Isak doesn’t want him. His mind hears this as “the boy is done with you, he doesn’t like you and thinks you’re just crazy, and he’s right”. So he gets up from the bed, all but runs to the door, puts his shoes on and runs out of the door leaving Isak and Princess V standing at the bedroom door, not knowing at all what is going on. All they can do is stare at the door Even had slammed closed behind him. 

Even keeps repeating in his mind that Isak doesn’t want him. He walks to the nearest bar and orders a whiskey. It doesn’t taste good but does the job, it’s alcohol. Then another one and another one and another one. Then to the next bar and from there to the next. It doesn’t take long for him to get drunk. And he’s still horny as fuck. So when a decent looking guy starts hitting on him at the club he is in, he wastes no time.

Even is the one making the first move. Telling the guy that he wants to be fucked. Looking straight into his eyes while saying it, knowing that he has what it takes to get the other one interested. He knows he has game and that he can get what he wants. And now Even wants this guy. He stares into the other ones eyes like challenging him, asking if he is ready to take the challenge and live a little. 

They go the bathroom, the last stall, hands all over each other, pulling clothing out of the way. There is a certain urgency in this, like both of them would know that if they stop, the moment is over and the lust will be gone as well. But right now they need this. At least Even needs it. He needs to feel wanted, even if it means that he might regret it later on. And a part of him knows he will do that, regret, but it doesn’t matter now, right now the only thing that matters is the want. 

It’s far from good sex. Even is way too drunk, the guy doesn’t care enough to prep him well, and it just doesn’t feel good. Even let’s the other guy take the lead. Use him as he sees fit. Pull his jeans out of the way and boxers too, push him against the wall and turn him around so that he is facing the wall. Even lets him talk dirty in his ear while pretending to care if he is open enough or not. Pretending to care if he is ready or not. Because he is not ready. Yes, his dick is hard and he wants this but at the same time he there is a part in him that wants to scream “stop” and “take it easy and make sure I’m ready for this”.

But he doesn't do that. He just stands there, playing his part of the game. Moaning, arching his back so that the guy has better access for his ass, and spreading his legs. He closes his eyes and kind of drifts off while the guy fucks him. He just stands there, being used. When the guy is done, Even sighs. It’s done. 

After the sex the only thing in Even’s mind is that Isak doesn’t want him. And that he is still horny. And that he deserves the uncomfortable feeling all this is giving him. He doesn’t even know if there was a condom or not. To be honest, he doesn’t even care was there a condom. All he cares about his getting his mind out of Isak for a second. But this isn’t working. After the guy is done fucking him he leaves the toilet, and Even is left there alone. Drunk, ashamed, used and manic. 

Even pulls his jeans back up and goes back to the club and orders more alcohol. He can feel his phone buzzing in his jeans, but he doesn’t look at it. There is nothing for him. It’s probably Laila who wants to know how he is doing. Laila who will just tell him to go home and stop drinking because “it’s not good for you”. And he doesn’t care. He is an adult and if he wants to get wasted, he will get wasted. He can fuck whomever he wants. The buzzing doesn’t stop and he crabs the phone in order to turn it off. He doesn’t even look at the missed calls and texts he has received. 

Even has no idea where he is when he wakes up. He tries to open his eyes but it hurts. Everything hurts so he just drifts back to sleep again. If you can call it that. His head is pounding and he thinks his ass is still hurting. And he has absolutely no idea what has happened. But if anything, Even is good at sneaking out of places he doesn’t want to be in, he is used to the walk of shame in the mornings so he does just that. Quietly gets dressed as soon as he finds his clothes from the mess on the floor and tiptoes out of the apartment. He fishes his phone out of his pocket and sees it’s not on, and just thinks the battery is dead. 

It takes a moment for him to pinpoint where he is and how he’ll get home. Not that he wants to go there, but V is waiting there so he kind of needs to go. Yes, he will go home to take care of V. And charge his phone and then think things through again. Now he just needs to find his way home. Even starts walking but realises soon that he is probably still drunk, so he takes the tram instead. He falls asleep on the tram and is actually quite far from home when he wakes up. When he decides to walk to home after all, he finds himself in a bar instead. One drink doesn’t do anyone any harm, does it? But it’s not just one drink, and soon Even is drunk like a little animal again. And going home just kinda slips out of his mind. 

There is a guy again. Whispering in Even’s ear how hot he is and how much he would want to fuck him. So Even lets the guy take him somewhere. To be fucked. He doesn’t ask what the guy is called, it doesn’t matter. Maybe he told him his name but it didn’t stay in Even’s mind. He doesn’t care about that. What he cares about is being fucked and getting what he deserves. This time the guy asks if do they need to use a condom, but Even just opens his legs and says no. After fucking him the other guy leaves, leaving him legs spread and ass covered in cum. He doesn’t care, he just puts his jeans back on and thinks he really should get home. 

But going home means that Even needs to face the fact that Isak doesn’t want him. That once again he has dropped the ball and ruined everything. He should have known this, there was no way that a boy like Isak would actually be interested in him. So he ends up wandering the streets of Oslo aimlessly, not caring about where he is going. He stinks of old booze and sex, he must look quite horrible because he hasn’t slept almost at all for the last 28 hours. He should eat but he is not hungry. Instead he finds a club that’s open and he can get into, and drinks some more. And when someone offers him something else, he is happy to take it. 

Even wakes up when the bouncer is shaking his arm. He gets angry, why won’t he let him sleep. Even has no idea what time it is, where he is, why he is there, what has happened. The bouncer keeps shaking him and telling him to get out, that he is too out of it to stay. Things heat up in no time and the next thing he knows is that he is carried out of the club and that there is a police car in the front waiting to handle the situation he created.


	9. Chapter 9 Isak's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Looks like it’s you and me for the time being, boy.” Isak tells Princess V as he pets his head gently. The dog tilts his head and licks Isak’s hand. Isak doesn’t realize that he is crying before he feels V licking the tears away from his face. Isak buries his face in Princess V’s neck and lets the tears come. Princess V crawls closer to Isak, like he would know that Isak needs him now. That he needs something to hold on to, because otherwise the situation is too scary. It reminds Isak too much of his childhood, when his mom wasn’t yet diagnosed and would have her own psychotic episodes out of the blue, just like that.

When Even just leaves, Isak is left standing there, with his mouth open. Princess Vivian is standing next to him, looking first at him and then at the door, whining. Isak tries calling Even, but he doesn’t pick up. Again and again and again. No answer. Isak is so startled that he doesn’t even realise he should have gone after Even. Instead he tries calling and texting, relentlessly. He walks to Even’s sofa, sits there and takes Princess V on his lap, and cuddles the little dog, who is just as confused about the situation as Isak is. 

They stay there for a while, Isak is not sure for how long. But as the evening goes on, it becomes clear that Even isn’t going to answer him. He writes Even a note, takes V and goes home. Princess V is a bit hesitant at first when they leave the apartment, but as they keep walking, he relaxes and seems to feel excited about his little adventure. Isak is not sure what to do, who to contact, or if he should just wait and let Even figure things out on his own. 

Isak takes Princess V to his place and tries calling Even again, without a reply. He is worried and scared and pissed off. This is so not the Even he has gotten to know. It’s then when he realizes what is going on. Fuck, is Even having an episode? He starts thinking back, trying to pinpoint when this started, were there other signs, that would confirm his fear? And the more he thinks about it, the more sure he is. Yes, this is an episode. For a moment Isak just sits there on his sofa, not sure what to do. Then he picks up his phone and calls Magnus, the only one he can think of that could maybe help him. 

Isak and Magnus talk for a good while about the situation. Magnus asks questions Isak doesn’t know how to answer. Like what meds Even is on, and has he been taking them, what kind of a history he has with his illness, does he have a contact with a therapist at the moment, how he usually is when he is having an episode. Isak is starting to feel desperate, but Magnus is calm and tells him to first breathe, because Even needs him to be calm now. Magnus asks if Isak knows anyone from Even’s family or friends that he could call and tell what’s happened. Yes, Isak has Laila’s number. 

“Okay, Isak. This is what you’ll do now. You will call Laila and tell her what happened, and make a plan with her to get hold of Even. Then you will eat something, because you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of Even. Because after the high there will be the low, as you know. You’ll take care of the little fur ball as well. Everything will work out. Trust me. I know this is scary, and you have every right to be pissed and scared.” Magnus, who usually is all over the place and can be a bit too much, is so calm and amazing at this moment, that Isak is almost speechless. 

“Thank you” is all he manages to whisper to the phone. 

“Anything for you, Issy, you know that. And remember, I’m here if you need me. As is the rest of the squad.” Magnus says softly.   
“I know, thank you for that.” Isak says as he ends the call and starts preparing himself for the next one. 

Isak feels scared when he waits for Laila to answer. All kinds of thoughts are going round and round in his head. What if he is overreacting, what if he is wrong, what if. But when Laila does answer, and Isak tells him what happened, there is no more thoughts of him overreacting. Isak knows it from the way Laila sighs on the other end of the call, from the way her voice sounds sad, as she asks where Princess V is, and does Isak want that she picks him up. Isak says no, they’re getting along just fine with V, and all he needs to know is what to do with Even. There is a long silence after that. Isak knows that there is no easy or short answer to that question.

“If he doesn’t answer his phone, at this point all we can do is wait. The police won’t do anything until it’s been at least three days, and since Even is bipolar, the reception at the police may not be the best.” Laila says calmly, before she continues to say, that she’ll call Even’s friends and ask if they know anything about his whereabouts. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Isak asks, sorrow in his voice. He is worried and he can’t hide that.

“You really like him, I can tell.” Laila says, and that makes Isak smile a little. Because he really, really likes Even. 

“I do.” Isak says, almost a whisper.

“Oh honey, things will work out, they always do. This is scary and frustrating, but this is also part of the package that comes with Even.” Laila says softly. 

“Yeah, he told me about his bipolarity a while back. And it’s not like I’m a stanger to mental illness, my mom has schizophrenia. But this was just so. I don’t know. Sudden”. 

“Sometimes his episodes build up gradually, so that he figures out himself that he is having one, but sometimes it just hits like a train and is on before you can realise it. It seems this is one of the latter. But there is not much you can do right now, just take care of yourself and V, and I’ll be in touch if I hear anything.” Laila tells him as they end the call. 

“Looks like it’s you and me for the time being, boy.” Isak tells Princess V as he pets his head gently. The dog tilts his head and licks Isak’s hand. Isak doesn’t realize that he is crying before he feels V licking the tears away from his face. Isak buries his face in Princess V’s neck and lets the tears come. Princess V crawls closer to Isak, like he would know that Isak needs him now. That he needs something to hold on to, because otherwise the situation is too scary. It reminds Isak too much of his childhood, when his mom wasn’t yet diagnosed and would have her own psychotic episodes out of the blue, just like that. 

Isak must have fallen asleep on the sofa with the dog, since when the phone rings, he wakes up a bit shaky. He grabs the phone and doesn’t even look who is calling, just says “Hello?” hoping it would be Even. But it’s not, it is Laila just checking if he has heard anything, which he hasn’t. The phone call is interrupted quickly, as Laila is getting another call, and since they are waiting for any info on Even, she needs to take it. She says she’ll call back to Isak as soon as possible, if the phone call is about her brother.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a different moment he would feel desperate pain about this, but now it feels just like something that comes with the game. Now he passes it with a shrug, it is what it is.

He asked them to call Isak, not his sister or his mother. The police promised to do that, but said that if Isak wouldn’t answer, they would call his mother. He didn’t want his mother to be the one to pick him up. Not this time, not again. He doesn’t want to hear once again, how he is a disappointment to the family and all their friends, and all that shit. He knows that from the previous times. Yes, times, in plural, this is by far not the first time he is here. There have been different kinds of reasons for police picking him up. He has been strolling around Oslo naked, drunk as a little animal, high as a kite, getting into fights with others for no reason and so on. 

It wasn’t an easy decision to ask them to call Isak, not after the shit he has just done. And not after the refusal he got from Isak a few days ago. But still it feels easier to face him than anyone else. Little does he know, he would never guess that Isak has already called Laila, and that she is in the loop of things that have happened. And that those two show up together at the station to pick him up. The moment he sees them is horrible. He wants the ground to split and swallow him, now. He can’t deal with this, not at all. 

The look on Isak’s face is too much to handle, it’s a mix of hurt and anger and worry, and he sees the same emotions on Laila’s face as well. He can’t look at them, he just wants to get out of here, but he knows that he won’t be able to go before someone signs him off. So he needs to face them, tell them what happened and wait until the police officer says everything is in order. In reality it doesn’t take probably more than five minutes, but it feels like hours. 

The ride to his place is silent. They all just sit in silence, and the only one who shows any emotions is Vivian, who is over the moon to be with Even again. He holds Vivian in his lap, it is just the kind of distraction he needs now, he needs to have something else to think about than his own mess. 

When they reach his apartment, he is surprised to see that Isak also comes in. And that Mikael is already there with the rest of his squad. Fuck, are they going to give him some kind of an intervention? He is just about to say something about it, when Laila looks at him and tells him to sit down, because they need to talk. Because yes, this is an intervention. 

He hears the shit he has heard so many times before. That he can’t just quit taking his meds on his own, he can’t disappear like he just did because others will be worried, how he needs to take care of himself, and so on. He sits there with his best listening face on and hopes it will do the trick. It’s not that he doesn’t care, or that he would want to hurt someone. Because he does care, but sometimes it just isn’t enough. He needs to have room to be himself, why can’t the others see that? 

He doesn’t feel sick, he feels just fine. He is maybe louder than usually, and maybe he shouldn’t have drunk that much, but doesn’t everybody make bad decisions sometimes? He can feel the energy buzzing in his veins, he just wants the others to go so he can get started with some work he needs to do, like the essay on the critical media culture course he has been pushing off for weeks now. 

He is given a schedule that tells him who is going to stay him with. All of them are in it and rotate the baby sitting job so that they don’t have to miss their jobs or lessons at Uni. Even Isak is going to stay with him. He tries to argue that this is ridiculous, that he doesn’t need baby sitting but Laila won’t budge. She has also booked him an appointment with his doctor for the next day, so they can fix his medication. 

And he hates this. The looks he gets, the way everyone is hovering over him and treating him like a child. He hates the way they look at him. Like he is an invalid. Like he needs others to take care of him, because he is so out of control that he can’t do that himself. When he is in the middle of his episode he doesn’t see that he really needs it, that he needs someone to look after him so he doesn’t do anything too stupid. Like spend all of his money, drink too much and have reckless sex. 

The thing that hurts most is that Isak is there. The boy who he had dreamed of for so long and who he had a connection with. Isak who looked at him with those beautiful green eyes filled with want, need and care. Now the same eyes are filled with hurt, anxiety and worry. And it’s all on him. In a different moment he would feel desperate pain about this, but now it feels just like something that comes with the game. Now he passes it with a shrug, it is what it is. 

Finally it seems that the others are leaving but no, Laila is staying. And so is Isak. Turns out that Isak took the first watch, and Laila is staying just for the moment, so that Even can be told to behave, and be embarrassed in front of Isak. Like he doesn’t know himself how to behave. He is huffing and puffing, trying to concentrate on Princess Vivian, so that he doesn’t have to look at Isak. Isak seems to pick up how he feels, because he leaves him be and reads a text book or something on the other end of the sofa without saying a word. 

Even isn’t even allowed to go out with Princess V on his own. He tries to argue that there is nothing he could do there if he goes by himself, but Isak won’t listen and comes with him. It’s so awkward between them, it’s like the connection they had broken. He feels nervous, so he keeps babbling nonsense and Isak keeps nodding. The only one enjoying the walk is Princess V, who seems to be happy to have his own little pack back. 

It takes only few days until the high turns into a low. He can feel it coming, it always feels the same. It starts with the feeling that someone is sitting on his chest, that it is hard to breathe and that his shoulders are turning in. That he wants to be as small as possible. Then there is the loss of energy and the tears. It feels like he could cry all the time. He is overly sensitive and feels like everything is his fault. Laila and the boys stay with him, sticking to their schedule, and he hates it even more now. He is making them stay with him when they could spend time with their other friends or significant others.  
Then on a friday evening it’s Isak’s turn to stay with him. He can hear Isak talking with someone on the phone, telling that he can’t come to the party because he is staying with him. Guilt hits him like a train. He is keeping Isak from having fun. The next thing he knows is that he is in his bed, crying hopelessly. Then he all of a sudden feels arms around him and hears Isak whispering into his ear that everything is fine, that this shall pass, that there is no reason to cry. He feels Isak caress his hair gently. Being there for him. 

They haven’t actually talked about what happened. Not yet. Isak hasn’t asked and he has not been able to tell him. He knows he needs to tell him. But it hurts too much. He doesn’t want to see the look on Isak’s face when he tells him that he slept with other men. Without protection. Without actually even enjoying it. He can’t tell him, because then Isak will leave, and he will be alone with his pain and humiliation. And he can’t handle that. Not now. 

Isak doesn’t push him, which is a huge relief. The talk is something that they do need to have, but he is happy for every second he can delay it. So they lay there in silence, V crawled up next to him. Vivian has been a bit nervous, like he always is when his human is not doing well, he can sense it, and the little dog is then trying to do anything to cheer up the boy. Like now, he is giving Even little kisses, and making sure he is not alone at any time. Vivian follows him like a shadow everywhere. 

Even wakes up alone, and the loneliness hits him hard. He opens his eyes and turns his head, and for a moment he is panicking, because there is no Isak or Princess V in the bedroom. His depressed mind is making him think all kinds of things, like maybe Isak has taken V with him because he is too sick to take care of him. He feels tears in his eyes and the panic just gets worse. The panic is rising into those kind of levels, where he can’t move or do anything else, and even breathing is hard. It’s then when he hears keys rustling at the lock, and then familiar voices as Isak enters the door with V. 

Even runs out of the bedroom to meet Isak and Vivian, tears running down his cheeks and panic showing on his face, almost yelling to Isak who is startled to see him up and awake.

“You can’t just take him like that!” Even yells at Isak, who doesn’t know what to say. Princess Vivian picks up the mood, and starts moving anxiously between the two boys.

“We went just for a little walk. I thought we’d let you sleep” Isak tries to say, but Isak is not sure does Even hear what he is saying, or does he understand what he is saying, as Even just keeps yelling. 

Since Even is not calming down as Isak tries to tell him what happened and that they’re back now and nobody is taking Vivian from him, Isak walks to Even and wraps his hands around him. First Even freezes under Isak’s touch, but then he let’s Isak hold him, let’s Isak be there for him. He feels the tears on his cheeks, he feels himself shaking against Isak who holds him, who tells him to just let it all out, and who reassures him that it’s okay to feel what he feels. All of a sudden he can feel his knees giving in, and if Isak wasn’t there to hold him, he would have fallen on the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> This is gifted to the amazing Laika who saved me. <3 I love you honey.


End file.
